Why Emotionally Unavailable Men Keep Finding You - And How to Break the Cycle
You’ve been told you’re “too picky.”
You’ve heard things like:
👉 “You can’t have it all.”
👉 “Men like that don’t exist anymore.”
👉 “Maybe you need to lower your expectations.”
So now you’re questioning yourself:
“Am I asking for too much?”
“Maybe I need to compromise?”
“Should I just settle and make it work?”
Sis, let me be clear: You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong men.
Let’s talk about the difference between high standards and bare minimum expectations, and why you need to stop second-guessing yourself.
What “High Standards” Really Means
When people say you have “high standards,” they’re usually talking about things like:
✔️ A man who is emotionally mature
✔️ A man who is financially stable
✔️ A man who communicates consistently
✔️ A man who values your emotional needs
✔️ A man who is ready to commit
But let’s break this down:
Emotional maturity isn’t a high standard. It’s emotional health.
Financial stability isn’t a luxury. It’s basic adulting.
Consistency isn’t a privilege. It’s emotional safety.
Commitment isn’t asking for too much. It’s asking for clarity.
💡 The Truth: If it’s the bare minimum, it’s not a “high standard.”
What’s the Difference Between High Standards and Bare Minimum?
🚩 1. Emotional Availability vs. Basic Communication
✅ High Standard: He’s emotionally available and open about his feelings.
🚫 Bare Minimum: He responds to your texts consistently.
💡 Reality: Texting you back is not a love language, it’s basic communication.
🚩 2. Financial Stability vs. Basic Responsibility
✅ High Standard: He’s financially secure and actively building a future.
🚫 Bare Minimum: He has a job and pays his bills.
💡 Reality: Having a job isn’t an achievement, it’s adulthood.
🚩 3. Thoughtfulness vs. Basic Respect
✅ High Standard: He remembers important dates and does thoughtful things without being asked.
🚫 Bare Minimum: He shows up when he says he will.
💡 Reality: Keeping his word is not a gift, it’s basic integrity.
🚩 4. Emotional Connection vs. Attention
✅ High Standard: He creates emotional intimacy and makes you feel seen and valued.
🚫 Bare Minimum: He compliments you when you look good.
💡 Reality: Compliments without connection are just empty words.
🚩 5. Commitment vs. Exclusivity
✅ High Standard: He’s clear about his intentions and committed to building a future with you.
🚫 Bare Minimum: He’s not talking to other women.
💡 Reality: Not cheating isn’t a relationship goal, it’s a basic requirement.
Why Women Are Told to “Lower Their Standards”
❌ 1. People Are Used to Dysfunction
Let’s be real... healthy relationships are rare. Most people are used to:
Mixed signals
Situationships
Avoidant behavior
So when you ask for consistency and emotional safety, it feels “extra” to people who are used to dysfunction.
💡 The Truth: Just because chaos is normal doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
❌ 2. Men Don’t Want to Be Held Accountable
A man who isn’t emotionally mature will call you “demanding” if you expect:
Clear communication
Consistent effort
Emotional vulnerability
💡 The Truth: If he’s not emotionally ready to meet your standards, he’ll try to make you feel bad for having them.
❌ 3. Society Conditions Women to Be Grateful for the Bare Minimum
You’ve been taught that:
If he has a job and isn’t cheating, he’s a “good man.”
If he shows up sometimes, you should be grateful.
If he’s “trying,” you should give him more time.
💡 The Truth: A man doing the bare minimum is not a blessing. It’s a red flag.
❌ 4. Fear of Being Alone
You’ve been told:
“Good men are hard to find.”
“It’s better to have someone than to be single.”
“Men don’t commit anymore, just take what you can get.”
💡 The Truth: Settling out of fear will never give you peace.
❌ 5. Your Success Makes People Uncomfortable
If you’re successful, independent, and emotionally secure, people will try to convince you to “tone it down.”
“Men like women who aren’t so strong.”
“You’re intimidating.”
“Men want to feel needed.”
💡 The Truth: A man who’s intimidated by your success is not emotionally secure enough to handle you.
What Reasonable Standards Actually Look Like
Here’s what it looks like when your standards are aligned with your value:
✅ He communicates clearly and consistently.
✅ He follows through on what he says.
✅ He treats you with respect, even when you disagree.
✅ He’s emotionally available and open about his feelings.
✅ He’s clear about his intentions for the relationship.
✅ He’s actively working toward his goals.
✅ He makes you feel emotionally safe and supported.
✅ He shows effort without you needing to ask.
💡 None of this is “extra.” 💡 None of this is asking for too much.
Signs Your Standards Are Too Low
If you’re dealing with any of these, you’re not being “too picky”, you’re settling:
🚩 He disappears for days and calls it “space.”
🚩 He’s inconsistent with communication.
🚩 He says he’s “not ready for a relationship” but wants the benefits of one.
🚩 He keeps you guessing about his intentions.
🚩 He’s emotionally guarded but expects you to open up.
🚩 He wants you to “build” with him, but he’s not building himself.
💡 This isn’t “high standards”. this is emotional confusion.
How to Stop Second-Guessing Your Standards
✅ 1. Stop Explaining Your Standards
You don’t need to justify why you expect:
Consistency
Clarity
Emotional vulnerability
Emotional maturity
💡 Shift: If he’s not aligned with your standards, he’s not the one.
✅ 2. Own Your Emotional Value
You are not hard to love. You are not “too much.” You are not asking for too much.
💡 Shift: You are worthy of a healthy, emotionally available relationship.
✅ 3. Stop Rewarding Inconsistency
If he’s not showing up emotionally, stop giving him emotional access.
Don’t reply to mixed signals.
Don’t settle for last-minute plans.
Don’t make excuses for emotional inconsistency.
💡 Shift: Access to you is earned through consistency, not convenience.
✅ 4. Be Willing to Walk Away
The wrong man will try to make you feel like you need to lower your standards.
The right man will meet them without hesitation.
💡 Shift: The right relationship will feel like peace not confusion.
Your Standards Are Not Too High
You are not asking for too much. You are asking for exactly what you deserve.
Let the men who think you’re “too much” fall away.
Make room for the man who knows your worth without needing to be convinced.
He’s out there, waiting for a woman who knows her value.
💡 Your Next Step:
💌 DM here – If you’re ready to set boundaries and attract a high-value partner, let’s work together.
📅 Click here to schedule a call with me.
🎤Need a speaker for your next event? Coach Cass speaks on communication and dating for successful women. Perfect for conferences, retreats, and professional women’s groups. Let’s connect!
When love is at the base, everything else falls into place. 💕
#DatingForSuccessfulWomen #LoveAndSuccess #SheDeservesLove #WantedWoman #CoachCass
